Frozen yogurt is the biggest jerk!

I think it's a normal thing for people to want to enjoy a good dessert. I for one think that dessert is the best part of every meal. Yeah I said, "every meal". So one day I go get dessert with a friend. We go to some frozen yogurt place that everyone was raving about. I get there and it's self served. Perfect for a troll like me. I got to pick my flavor, the amount, and the amount of my toppings. What I did not enjoy was having to place it on a scale and then be shown how big of a pig I am! Just give me the price kid! Don't make me see how much it weighs. What kind of crap is that? I don't need to have the person behind me judging me for the weight of my yogurt. It was ridiculous. Stop weighing my food!

Forks trump Chopsticks

You know who are really pretentious people? That person you go to dinner with that shows off by using chopsticks. they never just use them and not say anything to you about. They always have to be like, "Oh you're using a fork. I learned to use chopsticks when I went on a date with a girl who served her mission in China." No once cares! You know what's stupid about chopsticks? The fact that they don't get as much food as a fork does! Why would you go back in time to use a useless utensil? Chopstick users in the U.S. just think they are so much better than you, well you're not. you're a jabroni and everyone knows it. Keep it to yourself buddy!

Mom's, am I right?

This week we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest human beings to ever walk the earth. Not the greatest, just one of them. In that spirit I decided to share an experience my Mom and I had in my childhood. Playing baseball is something every young boy wants to do, and they want to be good at it. Baseball is huge in my family. Everyone loves it! I take opening day off from work every year, just to sit and watch baseball all day. So as a kid I signed up to play baseball and wanted to get better at catching. I was about 8. For some reason my Mom is helping my brother and I play catch. Now it isn't weird that my Mom was teaching us to catch, because Mama J can do anything, it was weird because it was getting dark and she still kept us out there. I kept telling her, "Mom I can't see it very well, can we go inside?" She kept telling us one more. Then next thing I know she throws this rocket into the sky and expects me to catch it! I got underneath it and then smack! The ball misses my glove and hits me right in the nose. The was the first time, in my life, that I recall every getting a bloody nose. Yep, my first bloody nose my mom gave me. Happy birthday week Mom! Love you!

AMERICA!

Today is Veterans day and I for one am very grateful to those who fought for our freedoms. That being said I have a beef to pick with Americans. It has nothing to do with the election results, it has everything to do with the word America. For crying out loud say it correctly! It's America, not 'Merica. You notice that when everyone says that they use some white trash voice? That's because white trash people are usually uneducated and sound like morons who can't pronounce words correctly. It was funny once, now stop saying 'Merica and start saying America! Below is a photo of what I think you look like if you say 'Merica. Make America, America again!

You're a troll

Here is a word that needs to go away "Foodie". People are like, "Oh, I love food. I'm a total foodie. I eat all the time." Somehow saying that you are a foodie is a good thing? Guess what? It isn't! Basically you're saying, "Hey I like food, but I don't want to be known as a fat troll. So I say I'm a foodie." We all know you go out with your friends order two entrees and then say you're a foodie. Just own who you are! You're a typical American who over-eats. I never call myself a foodie, I know what I am, a troll. Being a troll is not a bad thing. It means you like to eat food in large amounts. Own it! Below is a picture of a regular lady eating food. What makes this picture special? Nothing, but she probably tells her friends she's a foodie.

The Bees Knees

Here is the final installment from my mission in Portland. What a great  place. I miss it and loved every minute there. The people, the work, even the annoying rain. Loved it all. Now I promised a second part to Spencer, here it is. Anytime you would go knock on his door he would yell, "Are there any bees?" Once you said no he would open the door, just barely enough to squeeze by, and then shut it quickly and ask, "Do you see any bees in here?" If you couldn't guess he had a bee allergy. We finally got him to come to church with us, and I figured it would be interesting. We had never seen him go outside, so I was curious to see how he dealt with the bees. We get there and he didn't ask about any bees, he opens the door, and walks out wearing his homemade bee suit. He had on boots with socks tucked into them, sweats, because church can be casual, a giant winter coat (it was still summer time), gloves, and the best part was a bee keepers veil. I've never been so jealous of an outfit in my life! The only downside was when he went to the bathroom and made me hold his veil. I wasn't going to just hold it, I had to try it on. I did and started walking around making the sound he did, "eh eh eh." I laughed at myself, and then saw out of the corner of my eye two people. Turns out the bishop and relief society president were watching me the whole time. I just took it off and said, "I've never held a bee veil before." They looked at me weird and kept walking by. Worth it!

Shut your mouth!

You may have noticed that from an earlier blog that I do not enjoy modern day hippies. One day in Oregon I met a man who really did not enjoy hippies. A group of us missionaries were at the library emailing our families. It was a lovely rainy day in Oregon. A few of us had finished and were sitting there waiting for the rest of the group. There is a guy, by himself, reading at a table. Out of nowhere he yells, "Stop starring at me!" and then goes back to reading. I thought maybe he was on his phone or something. Then he yells, "Hey! Quit starring at me punk!"It took everything I had to not bust out in laughter. My good friend Craig was there and it was his first few hours in the area. He had no idea what was going on either. The man then slams his book down and says, "Stop starring at me or I will spit in your face, hippie!" and mumbles how mad he is. I look over and there is only a book case in front of him. No one on the other side. This guy really hates book cases that remind him of hippies.