Dating is not my strong suit...

I decided that I should start sharing some of my dating experiences every so often. I tell people about them and they think it's a joke, but I can assure you these have really happened. A few months ago I was setup on a double blind date, my buddy and I were taking sisters out. We got there and their Mom starts grilling me with questions! Like, "Where are you going to dinner? What are you doing after?" Look lady I have school so there will not be anything after. Moms, am I right? We finally get our dates and get in to my very economical 2010 Dodge charger 3.5 v6. The conversation was pretty bleak on the way up. Not a big deal, because I knew when we sat down to eat that it would be very different. Boy was I right! We go to Sugarhouse and ate at the Dodo. The food was incredible. The company was not. She calls our waiter over and asks if they have anything on the menu that is gluten free? The waiter then points out a few items, and I laugh. She asks, "Is there something funny about what I asked?" My friend and I make eye contact, he was saying "Don't do it man." But I read it as, "Totally tell her man!" So I begin to tell her that I believe "Celiac disease" is created by the government and is probably just in her head. She gives me a look of disgust, but again I thought the look was saying, "You're so funny, keep this going." I told her that everyone feels a little sick after eating 3 pizza's it has nothing to do with a "gluten allergy." (Notice that I put gluten allergy and Celiac in quotations to illustrate the point that they are not real.) Turns out she was not happy, so I apologized and tried to move on. My friend kept asking her sister questions and that's when it got weirder. He would say, "What's your favorite time of year." She would reply with, "well...sum" and then my date would say, "No it's fall, because of the clothes." Her answer would then change. He asked, "What's your dream job?" She answers with, "I don't think I have one." This is a very good answer, FYI. My date says, "Sissy, it's being a makeup artist." Turns out she thought that was a hobby and not something that could become a profession. As the date dragged on, for what seemed like a life time, we finally left. She runs to my car because she's cold. I tell her the A/C is on so don't get your hopes up. She gets in and the A/C was on. She got mad at me, and I said, "I don't get it, I clearly told you it was on." So I blast the heat. After one minute she turns it off and says, "I'm fine now!" My friend and his date never even felt it. As we kept driving we started having a real conversation. It seemed to finally be turning around. Again, I was very wrong. She told me to take my second left. The street was coming and she says, "I said second left." I said, "well are you counting the apartment entrance as a turn?" She did not enjoy that. I drive past their house to make a U-turn, she did not like that either and says," What is this curb service." I explained how it would be much easier to go home this way. My friend asked what the net in their backyard was. I really just wanted to go home, but he asked something else. The sisters looked at each other weird, and didn't respond. Finally my date tells her sister, "Sissy go ahead, you can tell him." Turns out it was just a batting cage. Now I know I didn't do my best, but I felt they were very odd. Below is a picture of how I wish my date actually had went, a pretty girl enjoying gluten.

Puzzled...

Today I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. everything seemed normal and went just fine. There was one thing that happened that I just can not wrap my head around. Now I know pre-teens are the worst, and quite possibly the dumbest people alive, but this kid was a real treat. At first glance he seemed like a normal obnoxious pre-teen, but then I saw his hat. It read, "Don't get bit". I don't understand. Am I missing something. We are at a doctor's office so maybe he has rabies. I quickly got on WebMD and found that he did not have any of the symptoms, but I did recommend to the nurse that he get checked for testicular cancer as WebMD said he might have that. Now I am just more confused by this. I really hope that kid gets a muzzle to stop the biting. (the picture below is not of the actual hooligan, but it just shows how rebellious these pre-teens are.)

Oh that guy!

The other day I was driving down the interstate when I see a feller have his turn signal on to get into my lane. I thought to myself, well I have better let this fella in. What if he's the mayor? I slow down and that bub wouldn't move over. I thought, oh goll I bet I'm in his blind spot. Well he ended up never taking my lane and I got next him at the light and said, "Hey there bub! I slowed down 10 miles back to let you over, because your signal was on. You didn't move so I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at my driving." He says, "Oh golly! This is embarrassing, ya know I forgot to turn that off back in Colorado. Thanks for letting me know there feller." I says to him, "Ya know it's the darndest thing, it happen to my friend Bob last week and not one person told him. He got home and thought oh fudgesickles I hope no one got mad at me." Be a good feller and share the road, just like this feller in the picture.

Baby cuz I'm not a thug, all day everyday.

The hard part about getting old is the things that you use to love are no longer enjoyable. Everything changes and you have to start worrying about your 401K and health insurance. Pretty depressing. This week I found that to be true. I realized I am no longer a thug. The thug life chose and left me so fast. I realized it when I went to put my Dickie shorts on. I thought, "I should probably my cargo shorts instead." Not a big thing, but still a sign. Later in the day I turned the radio on the local hip-hop station and thought, "What is this noise?" then I put on talk radio. The cherry on top, of my once rebellious time as a thug leaving me, was when I wen to bed and debated on whether or not I should keep using fabric softener. I decided not to. Then I realized only real O.G's use fabric softener! Good bye thug left, hello Egyptian cotton 1800 thread count sheets! Macy's life!
 Below is a picture of what I would have looked like in two years if I had continued my life as a thug.

Let's Get Political!

I didn't want this blog to turn political, but it has come to that. There are very few things that set me off, but one of those is watching the little man get pushed around. It's time for major fast food chains to stop muscling Taco Bell! They are going to start taking a stand! I for one, am with them. Taco Bell has provided American's with a delicious alternative to the fast food burger, but you probably didn't know that from their lack of air time on tv and radio. It's a fact, from somewhere, that Taco Bell get's 78.3% less air time than Burger King and McDonald's. Most of you probably forgot about them and have been chowing chicken nuggets just because you didn't know that the steak flatbread sandwich was a thing! Which it is and it's delicious. Don't even get me started on the cheesy gorditta crunch. That taco ends all debates on best fast food item. So don't forget America, Taco Bell is still around. They also have a great value menu.

You've done it again Arby's!

Arby's is known for having delicious sandwiches, but did you also know that they are the funniest people ever? I was driving by m local Arby's and their sign read, "Come and taste pigfection" Hilarious! It's a play on words! They substituted the word perfection for pigfection to promote  their new sandwich. I can't stop laughing!!! Who ever is over your marketing is a genius! Well played Arby's. LOLZ!!!!!

Who would eat that?

This is the time for BBQ's. Being an adult I expect to show up and have adult food. I recently went to a BBQ and they had hotdogs. Flipping hotdogs! I said to host, "Hey there bub, uh you know we are adults right? Get this kid crap out of here!" Mother Goose that was annoying! I mean I ate three anyway, but that guy needed to know I was not happy!
The picture below shows how stupid hotdogs are.