Where have all the good hippies gone?

For decades we have watched hippies do things like dance in the rain, drive VW buses, eat weird plants, and be addicted to things that no one should. I am offended by this lack of hippie. In today's world they just don't exist. It reminds me of a phrase my Grandma often says to me when I would ask her if people loved me, with a confused face she always says, "Huh? They just don't make em like they use to." Obviously she's referring to people's hearts and not to me... anyway, hippies today are not about that lifestyle anymore. They serve no purpose and are just annoying. The other day I was down the street and one yells, "don't be apart of the system man!" What offended me first was his tone. I am two feet away from you no need to shout. I was offended by his use of the word man, yes I am a man, but if you are addressing a stranger you should refer to them as sir or madam. It's just polite! Lastly I was offended by what he yelled. I was wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt with no gym insight. What "system" was I apart of? If a hippie has ever yelled this at you, and you've ever wondered what system you are apart of, don't ask the stupid hippie, they don't know. They all just yell it for no reason. He just kept saying it. It made no sense. Answer the dang question hippie! It made me miss that generation of hippie that is gone. No more free loving, protesting animal testing, and really hating war. Hippies today have no respect, way too many dogs, shout out nonsense, are not organized, and serve no purpose. It is time for you to go hippies. This post is in memory of Clifford Wyatt's dream of getting rid of hippies. Unfortunately they haven't gone away. The picture below shows just some old hippies getting how to be hippies.

Dating is not my strong suit...

I decided that I should start sharing some of my dating experiences every so often. I tell people about them and they think it's a joke, but I can assure you these have really happened. A few months ago I was setup on a double blind date, my buddy and I were taking sisters out. We got there and their Mom starts grilling me with questions! Like, "Where are you going to dinner? What are you doing after?" Look lady I have school so there will not be anything after. Moms, am I right? We finally get our dates and get in to my very economical 2010 Dodge charger 3.5 v6. The conversation was pretty bleak on the way up. Not a big deal, because I knew when we sat down to eat that it would be very different. Boy was I right! We go to Sugarhouse and ate at the Dodo. The food was incredible. The company was not. She calls our waiter over and asks if they have anything on the menu that is gluten free? The waiter then points out a few items, and I laugh. She asks, "Is there something funny about what I asked?" My friend and I make eye contact, he was saying "Don't do it man." But I read it as, "Totally tell her man!" So I begin to tell her that I believe "Celiac disease" is created by the government and is probably just in her head. She gives me a look of disgust, but again I thought the look was saying, "You're so funny, keep this going." I told her that everyone feels a little sick after eating 3 pizza's it has nothing to do with a "gluten allergy." (Notice that I put gluten allergy and Celiac in quotations to illustrate the point that they are not real.) Turns out she was not happy, so I apologized and tried to move on. My friend kept asking her sister questions and that's when it got weirder. He would say, "What's your favorite time of year." She would reply with, "well...sum" and then my date would say, "No it's fall, because of the clothes." Her answer would then change. He asked, "What's your dream job?" She answers with, "I don't think I have one." This is a very good answer, FYI. My date says, "Sissy, it's being a makeup artist." Turns out she thought that was a hobby and not something that could become a profession. As the date dragged on, for what seemed like a life time, we finally left. She runs to my car because she's cold. I tell her the A/C is on so don't get your hopes up. She gets in and the A/C was on. She got mad at me, and I said, "I don't get it, I clearly told you it was on." So I blast the heat. After one minute she turns it off and says, "I'm fine now!" My friend and his date never even felt it. As we kept driving we started having a real conversation. It seemed to finally be turning around. Again, I was very wrong. She told me to take my second left. The street was coming and she says, "I said second left." I said, "well are you counting the apartment entrance as a turn?" She did not enjoy that. I drive past their house to make a U-turn, she did not like that either and says," What is this curb service." I explained how it would be much easier to go home this way. My friend asked what the net in their backyard was. I really just wanted to go home, but he asked something else. The sisters looked at each other weird, and didn't respond. Finally my date tells her sister, "Sissy go ahead, you can tell him." Turns out it was just a batting cage. Now I know I didn't do my best, but I felt they were very odd. Below is a picture of how I wish my date actually had went, a pretty girl enjoying gluten.

Puzzled...

Today I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. everything seemed normal and went just fine. There was one thing that happened that I just can not wrap my head around. Now I know pre-teens are the worst, and quite possibly the dumbest people alive, but this kid was a real treat. At first glance he seemed like a normal obnoxious pre-teen, but then I saw his hat. It read, "Don't get bit". I don't understand. Am I missing something. We are at a doctor's office so maybe he has rabies. I quickly got on WebMD and found that he did not have any of the symptoms, but I did recommend to the nurse that he get checked for testicular cancer as WebMD said he might have that. Now I am just more confused by this. I really hope that kid gets a muzzle to stop the biting. (the picture below is not of the actual hooligan, but it just shows how rebellious these pre-teens are.)

Oh that guy!

The other day I was driving down the interstate when I see a feller have his turn signal on to get into my lane. I thought to myself, well I have better let this fella in. What if he's the mayor? I slow down and that bub wouldn't move over. I thought, oh goll I bet I'm in his blind spot. Well he ended up never taking my lane and I got next him at the light and said, "Hey there bub! I slowed down 10 miles back to let you over, because your signal was on. You didn't move so I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at my driving." He says, "Oh golly! This is embarrassing, ya know I forgot to turn that off back in Colorado. Thanks for letting me know there feller." I says to him, "Ya know it's the darndest thing, it happen to my friend Bob last week and not one person told him. He got home and thought oh fudgesickles I hope no one got mad at me." Be a good feller and share the road, just like this feller in the picture.

Baby cuz I'm not a thug, all day everyday.

The hard part about getting old is the things that you use to love are no longer enjoyable. Everything changes and you have to start worrying about your 401K and health insurance. Pretty depressing. This week I found that to be true. I realized I am no longer a thug. The thug life chose and left me so fast. I realized it when I went to put my Dickie shorts on. I thought, "I should probably my cargo shorts instead." Not a big thing, but still a sign. Later in the day I turned the radio on the local hip-hop station and thought, "What is this noise?" then I put on talk radio. The cherry on top, of my once rebellious time as a thug leaving me, was when I wen to bed and debated on whether or not I should keep using fabric softener. I decided not to. Then I realized only real O.G's use fabric softener! Good bye thug left, hello Egyptian cotton 1800 thread count sheets! Macy's life!
 Below is a picture of what I would have looked like in two years if I had continued my life as a thug.