Forks trump Chopsticks

You know who are really pretentious people? That person you go to dinner with that shows off by using chopsticks. they never just use them and not say anything to you about. They always have to be like, "Oh you're using a fork. I learned to use chopsticks when I went on a date with a girl who served her mission in China." No once cares! You know what's stupid about chopsticks? The fact that they don't get as much food as a fork does! Why would you go back in time to use a useless utensil? Chopstick users in the U.S. just think they are so much better than you, well you're not. you're a jabroni and everyone knows it. Keep it to yourself buddy!

Mom's, am I right?

This week we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest human beings to ever walk the earth. Not the greatest, just one of them. In that spirit I decided to share an experience my Mom and I had in my childhood. Playing baseball is something every young boy wants to do, and they want to be good at it. Baseball is huge in my family. Everyone loves it! I take opening day off from work every year, just to sit and watch baseball all day. So as a kid I signed up to play baseball and wanted to get better at catching. I was about 8. For some reason my Mom is helping my brother and I play catch. Now it isn't weird that my Mom was teaching us to catch, because Mama J can do anything, it was weird because it was getting dark and she still kept us out there. I kept telling her, "Mom I can't see it very well, can we go inside?" She kept telling us one more. Then next thing I know she throws this rocket into the sky and expects me to catch it! I got underneath it and then smack! The ball misses my glove and hits me right in the nose. The was the first time, in my life, that I recall every getting a bloody nose. Yep, my first bloody nose my mom gave me. Happy birthday week Mom! Love you!

AMERICA!

Today is Veterans day and I for one am very grateful to those who fought for our freedoms. That being said I have a beef to pick with Americans. It has nothing to do with the election results, it has everything to do with the word America. For crying out loud say it correctly! It's America, not 'Merica. You notice that when everyone says that they use some white trash voice? That's because white trash people are usually uneducated and sound like morons who can't pronounce words correctly. It was funny once, now stop saying 'Merica and start saying America! Below is a photo of what I think you look like if you say 'Merica. Make America, America again!

You're a troll

Here is a word that needs to go away "Foodie". People are like, "Oh, I love food. I'm a total foodie. I eat all the time." Somehow saying that you are a foodie is a good thing? Guess what? It isn't! Basically you're saying, "Hey I like food, but I don't want to be known as a fat troll. So I say I'm a foodie." We all know you go out with your friends order two entrees and then say you're a foodie. Just own who you are! You're a typical American who over-eats. I never call myself a foodie, I know what I am, a troll. Being a troll is not a bad thing. It means you like to eat food in large amounts. Own it! Below is a picture of a regular lady eating food. What makes this picture special? Nothing, but she probably tells her friends she's a foodie.

The Bees Knees

Here is the final installment from my mission in Portland. What a great  place. I miss it and loved every minute there. The people, the work, even the annoying rain. Loved it all. Now I promised a second part to Spencer, here it is. Anytime you would go knock on his door he would yell, "Are there any bees?" Once you said no he would open the door, just barely enough to squeeze by, and then shut it quickly and ask, "Do you see any bees in here?" If you couldn't guess he had a bee allergy. We finally got him to come to church with us, and I figured it would be interesting. We had never seen him go outside, so I was curious to see how he dealt with the bees. We get there and he didn't ask about any bees, he opens the door, and walks out wearing his homemade bee suit. He had on boots with socks tucked into them, sweats, because church can be casual, a giant winter coat (it was still summer time), gloves, and the best part was a bee keepers veil. I've never been so jealous of an outfit in my life! The only downside was when he went to the bathroom and made me hold his veil. I wasn't going to just hold it, I had to try it on. I did and started walking around making the sound he did, "eh eh eh." I laughed at myself, and then saw out of the corner of my eye two people. Turns out the bishop and relief society president were watching me the whole time. I just took it off and said, "I've never held a bee veil before." They looked at me weird and kept walking by. Worth it!

Shut your mouth!

You may have noticed that from an earlier blog that I do not enjoy modern day hippies. One day in Oregon I met a man who really did not enjoy hippies. A group of us missionaries were at the library emailing our families. It was a lovely rainy day in Oregon. A few of us had finished and were sitting there waiting for the rest of the group. There is a guy, by himself, reading at a table. Out of nowhere he yells, "Stop starring at me!" and then goes back to reading. I thought maybe he was on his phone or something. Then he yells, "Hey! Quit starring at me punk!"It took everything I had to not bust out in laughter. My good friend Craig was there and it was his first few hours in the area. He had no idea what was going on either. The man then slams his book down and says, "Stop starring at me or I will spit in your face, hippie!" and mumbles how mad he is. I look over and there is only a book case in front of him. No one on the other side. This guy really hates book cases that remind him of hippies.

Made sense to me

One day I got stuck with this missionary who thought he was the best thing ever. He had to go on a split with me for a few hours. We we went on knocked on some doors. This one lady answers and says she isn't interested. I said, "well hold on, what's with all these tubes in your apartment?" She starts to tell us all about her hamsters. It was the craziest setup I have ever seen. Hamsters just hanging out in tubed that spread throughout her whole apartment. you could just see them in different areas. She asked me if I wanted one. I declined. She asked me if I was allergic, I told her I did not know. She said the only way to find out is to rub one on your face. I chuckled and she said,"I have one right here", and then pulled one out of her sweater pocket. the other missionary looked at me like don't do it man, this is weird. And I just said, "rub it on me!" The good news is I found out I'm not allergic to hamsters. We left shortly after, our walk was pretty quiet. I finally said, "good thing I'm not allergic to hamsters." He just glared at me, and I told him he wasn't very fun. I'm sure he got over it.
There were no hamsters harmed in this story.

Spencer; the Myth, the Legend.

I was in a small farming town called Cornelius. Not a whole lot happened there. The people were awesome, and the town had fantastic tacos. One day we went to teach a guy named Spencer. Turns out he was "blind". I use quotes not to be insensitive, but you'll understand later. After  a few visits with him we realized that he only really wanted us to come do service. Not a bad thing, but we really wanted to teach him. My companion and I made a plan to teach him or nothing. We got there and he asked to do service. I agreed even though I didn't want to. we went into the back room of his trailer and he asked us to move the hospital bed to the side of the room where his massage table was, and switch them. I was super confused why he had a massage table, but whatever. That was not the weirdest thing about him. As we are moving the be I realized that the bed was on wheels. I moved the massage table into the hallway, but it got stuck. So I began to lift it up, and it was not making a sound, when Spencer shouts out, "Hey! Don't lift that up! I mean if you are don't." It got super awkward after that. Man was I mad. Turns out he wasn't that blind. I wish I could have told him off, but I was just so confused/upset by my previous decision to dance a jig in front of him while he was talking. I guess he saw that as well.

A terrible friend

This weekend was really rough. I had to get my homework done, watch hecka movies, and do yard work. Now doing all of these things makes you work up quite and appetite. So naturally my Mom asks me to go get Taco Bell for her, myself, and my aunt Pam. Dream come true, right? I pull in on a Saturday evening and I'm the only one in the drive thru. So I order and pull forward. After waiting for two minutes the little girl working the window says, "Can you pull to the front and wait? we have to do this for such a large order." Let me remind you that there is still no one else in line. I was like who for me? I'm feeding to older ladies an myself, but okay. After thinking about it, why would you say that to someone? She may as well have said, "Hey fat troll! Get out and push your car to the front before you devour this large amount of food. You're disgusting." The bulk of the food was mine, but good golly they made it sound like I ordered the whole menu. I'll never forget this Taco Bell and I will continue to boycott. Unless you send me a free cheesy gorditta crunch. I can't stay mad at those. No picture can display my hurt and anger.

She's a 10

Recently someone said that I should work on making a dating profile. I said, "Why don't you dummy!" I then quickly apologized to my mother so that she would make dinner. Only to be disappointed because it was spaghetti. Not even with meatballs! Just chunks of meat! Anyway, I thought about what she said and I finally figured out what I would be looking for. Mary Tyler Moore! She is a 10! She's good looking, has a great personality, and is hard working. She was a flipping producer/home maker! I mean she hasn't aged super well, but whatever.. She even dealt with Richie, an annoying little boy who always ran into closets. What an odd little guy. Plus she knows Richard Wayne and I could hangout with him! that guy is awesome. So if you're a Mary Tyler Moore, I'm listening. Below is a picture of her and Richard Wayne just being buddies. Classic them!

Movie review

This week I thought I would give everyone a break from all the craziness and do a movie review. The movie I am reviewing is a classic film from Disney, Robin Hood. The film is a take on the classic tale of Robin Hood, but what makes this so intriguing is the characters. There is no Russell Crow playing Robin, instead he is portrayed by a flipping fox! Can you believe that?  That alone gave it three stars. What a turn of events! Some of the other characters were a bear, a turtle, a snake, a lion, and another fox. Which I found to be offensive. Maid Marian is a fox and is supposed to be the attractive one. I just think they could have chosen a hippo or a mongoose. Wake up Disney! Quit giving us all these stereotypes! Then her friend is a hen. The hen is big and takes no crap. Classic hen, right? well Disney is just saying that if  you are small and pretty you can not take care of yourself, but if you a large and crazy you should try and fight all of the kings men. Overall the quality in sound was okay, the picture wasn't great, the jokes were out dated. So I am giving this an overall rating of 4.5 stars. I still smile thinking about Robin Hood as a fox. LOLZ!

Music

Tupac, Ricky Martin, Biggie Smalls,  Tech N9ne, Chumbawamba, Black Street. What do all of these artists have in common? Making straight up sick jams with hard beats. The kind of music you would listen to and the car next to you would say, "Hey! Turn that music down, sir!" You know who doesn't make this list of raw and edgy artists? Selena Gomez. She makes pop music that speaks to the soul. By being a serious SAGO fan, I would know, but today I was offended. While on my drive to work Selena Gomez's hit song "same old love" comes on my playlist. I do what any SOGO fan would do, rolled down my windows, stretched out my vocal chords, and then turned it all the way up. Right when the chorus hits, I can't hold back, I begin screaming the chorus as though the lyrics were written for me. Out of the corner of my eye I see the car next to me roll their windows up and glare at me. Who does that? Selena has done nothing wrong except make sweet music. I say shame on those people. Shame! So don't be that person when she comes on. Just enjoy the soft sounds of pure music bliss. Below is a picture of what this lady sort of looked like.

Where have all the good hippies gone?

For decades we have watched hippies do things like dance in the rain, drive VW buses, eat weird plants, and be addicted to things that no one should. I am offended by this lack of hippie. In today's world they just don't exist. It reminds me of a phrase my Grandma often says to me when I would ask her if people loved me, with a confused face she always says, "Huh? They just don't make em like they use to." Obviously she's referring to people's hearts and not to me... anyway, hippies today are not about that lifestyle anymore. They serve no purpose and are just annoying. The other day I was down the street and one yells, "don't be apart of the system man!" What offended me first was his tone. I am two feet away from you no need to shout. I was offended by his use of the word man, yes I am a man, but if you are addressing a stranger you should refer to them as sir or madam. It's just polite! Lastly I was offended by what he yelled. I was wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt with no gym insight. What "system" was I apart of? If a hippie has ever yelled this at you, and you've ever wondered what system you are apart of, don't ask the stupid hippie, they don't know. They all just yell it for no reason. He just kept saying it. It made no sense. Answer the dang question hippie! It made me miss that generation of hippie that is gone. No more free loving, protesting animal testing, and really hating war. Hippies today have no respect, way too many dogs, shout out nonsense, are not organized, and serve no purpose. It is time for you to go hippies. This post is in memory of Clifford Wyatt's dream of getting rid of hippies. Unfortunately they haven't gone away. The picture below shows just some old hippies getting how to be hippies.

Dating is not my strong suit...

I decided that I should start sharing some of my dating experiences every so often. I tell people about them and they think it's a joke, but I can assure you these have really happened. A few months ago I was setup on a double blind date, my buddy and I were taking sisters out. We got there and their Mom starts grilling me with questions! Like, "Where are you going to dinner? What are you doing after?" Look lady I have school so there will not be anything after. Moms, am I right? We finally get our dates and get in to my very economical 2010 Dodge charger 3.5 v6. The conversation was pretty bleak on the way up. Not a big deal, because I knew when we sat down to eat that it would be very different. Boy was I right! We go to Sugarhouse and ate at the Dodo. The food was incredible. The company was not. She calls our waiter over and asks if they have anything on the menu that is gluten free? The waiter then points out a few items, and I laugh. She asks, "Is there something funny about what I asked?" My friend and I make eye contact, he was saying "Don't do it man." But I read it as, "Totally tell her man!" So I begin to tell her that I believe "Celiac disease" is created by the government and is probably just in her head. She gives me a look of disgust, but again I thought the look was saying, "You're so funny, keep this going." I told her that everyone feels a little sick after eating 3 pizza's it has nothing to do with a "gluten allergy." (Notice that I put gluten allergy and Celiac in quotations to illustrate the point that they are not real.) Turns out she was not happy, so I apologized and tried to move on. My friend kept asking her sister questions and that's when it got weirder. He would say, "What's your favorite time of year." She would reply with, "well...sum" and then my date would say, "No it's fall, because of the clothes." Her answer would then change. He asked, "What's your dream job?" She answers with, "I don't think I have one." This is a very good answer, FYI. My date says, "Sissy, it's being a makeup artist." Turns out she thought that was a hobby and not something that could become a profession. As the date dragged on, for what seemed like a life time, we finally left. She runs to my car because she's cold. I tell her the A/C is on so don't get your hopes up. She gets in and the A/C was on. She got mad at me, and I said, "I don't get it, I clearly told you it was on." So I blast the heat. After one minute she turns it off and says, "I'm fine now!" My friend and his date never even felt it. As we kept driving we started having a real conversation. It seemed to finally be turning around. Again, I was very wrong. She told me to take my second left. The street was coming and she says, "I said second left." I said, "well are you counting the apartment entrance as a turn?" She did not enjoy that. I drive past their house to make a U-turn, she did not like that either and says," What is this curb service." I explained how it would be much easier to go home this way. My friend asked what the net in their backyard was. I really just wanted to go home, but he asked something else. The sisters looked at each other weird, and didn't respond. Finally my date tells her sister, "Sissy go ahead, you can tell him." Turns out it was just a batting cage. Now I know I didn't do my best, but I felt they were very odd. Below is a picture of how I wish my date actually had went, a pretty girl enjoying gluten.

Puzzled...

Today I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. everything seemed normal and went just fine. There was one thing that happened that I just can not wrap my head around. Now I know pre-teens are the worst, and quite possibly the dumbest people alive, but this kid was a real treat. At first glance he seemed like a normal obnoxious pre-teen, but then I saw his hat. It read, "Don't get bit". I don't understand. Am I missing something. We are at a doctor's office so maybe he has rabies. I quickly got on WebMD and found that he did not have any of the symptoms, but I did recommend to the nurse that he get checked for testicular cancer as WebMD said he might have that. Now I am just more confused by this. I really hope that kid gets a muzzle to stop the biting. (the picture below is not of the actual hooligan, but it just shows how rebellious these pre-teens are.)

Oh that guy!

The other day I was driving down the interstate when I see a feller have his turn signal on to get into my lane. I thought to myself, well I have better let this fella in. What if he's the mayor? I slow down and that bub wouldn't move over. I thought, oh goll I bet I'm in his blind spot. Well he ended up never taking my lane and I got next him at the light and said, "Hey there bub! I slowed down 10 miles back to let you over, because your signal was on. You didn't move so I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at my driving." He says, "Oh golly! This is embarrassing, ya know I forgot to turn that off back in Colorado. Thanks for letting me know there feller." I says to him, "Ya know it's the darndest thing, it happen to my friend Bob last week and not one person told him. He got home and thought oh fudgesickles I hope no one got mad at me." Be a good feller and share the road, just like this feller in the picture.

Baby cuz I'm not a thug, all day everyday.

The hard part about getting old is the things that you use to love are no longer enjoyable. Everything changes and you have to start worrying about your 401K and health insurance. Pretty depressing. This week I found that to be true. I realized I am no longer a thug. The thug life chose and left me so fast. I realized it when I went to put my Dickie shorts on. I thought, "I should probably my cargo shorts instead." Not a big thing, but still a sign. Later in the day I turned the radio on the local hip-hop station and thought, "What is this noise?" then I put on talk radio. The cherry on top, of my once rebellious time as a thug leaving me, was when I wen to bed and debated on whether or not I should keep using fabric softener. I decided not to. Then I realized only real O.G's use fabric softener! Good bye thug left, hello Egyptian cotton 1800 thread count sheets! Macy's life!
 Below is a picture of what I would have looked like in two years if I had continued my life as a thug.

Let's Get Political!

I didn't want this blog to turn political, but it has come to that. There are very few things that set me off, but one of those is watching the little man get pushed around. It's time for major fast food chains to stop muscling Taco Bell! They are going to start taking a stand! I for one, am with them. Taco Bell has provided American's with a delicious alternative to the fast food burger, but you probably didn't know that from their lack of air time on tv and radio. It's a fact, from somewhere, that Taco Bell get's 78.3% less air time than Burger King and McDonald's. Most of you probably forgot about them and have been chowing chicken nuggets just because you didn't know that the steak flatbread sandwich was a thing! Which it is and it's delicious. Don't even get me started on the cheesy gorditta crunch. That taco ends all debates on best fast food item. So don't forget America, Taco Bell is still around. They also have a great value menu.

You've done it again Arby's!

Arby's is known for having delicious sandwiches, but did you also know that they are the funniest people ever? I was driving by m local Arby's and their sign read, "Come and taste pigfection" Hilarious! It's a play on words! They substituted the word perfection for pigfection to promote  their new sandwich. I can't stop laughing!!! Who ever is over your marketing is a genius! Well played Arby's. LOLZ!!!!!

Who would eat that?

This is the time for BBQ's. Being an adult I expect to show up and have adult food. I recently went to a BBQ and they had hotdogs. Flipping hotdogs! I said to host, "Hey there bub, uh you know we are adults right? Get this kid crap out of here!" Mother Goose that was annoying! I mean I ate three anyway, but that guy needed to know I was not happy!
The picture below shows how stupid hotdogs are.

Flipping Cafe Guy

I went to the Café today at work. I was super pumped to get the French dip.
They asked if I wanted a side.
I said, "Yeah, man get me a salad. Do you have any ranch dressing."
Café guy says, "No we don't."
I just got so bummed out so fast when he said that. Then he grabbed some from the fridge and said, "we have some, I was just joking."
HAHAHHAHA!
Freaking guy got me so good. I can't believe I fell for that. I can not wait to see what happens next.